There are times as believers when we hear the voice of the Lord clearly and obey Him quickly, finding joy in obedience and in closeness with Him. There are other times, though, when we hear His voice well enough, but we’re not so quick to respond, whether He’s asking us to do something we don’t want to do, or He’s sharing some knowledge with us that doesn’t feel good to know. These are not the only seasons we walk through, but the contrast in these two is something I’m focusing on right now.
I’ve been reminding myself lately that God’s voice and guidance is just as good in those grumpy times as it is in the joyful ones…the only difference is me. What is it that makes me respond to Him so differently? There are so many answers to that question, I guess. Maybe no one answer is entirely right. But the point, for me right now, is that the difference is in me, not in Him. He is always the same. Always good. Always faithful. Always sovereign. I, however, am fickle. So inconstant.
I often wish I could be more constant. I wish I would grow in ways that seem good to me and then never slide back again into things that seem less good. Like decreasing my screen time one week, and not watching that number go back up again the next (anyone else monitor their screen time week-to-week?). I’d love for my desire to read the Bible to only ever increase, but it just hasn’t worked that way. In fact, I can’t think of a single desire I’ve ever had that’s only increased—everything ebbs and flows.
I’m so quick to notice the “bad” things I do in a day and then ignore all the better parts of that same day. I can have a fantastic day, but get grumpy and zone out, staring at my phone screen for the last hour and a half, and then call the whole day a waste because of how I spent the end of it. Why do I do that?
Anyway, I digress…
I am fickle. I am inconstant. God is faithful and unchanging. So, when God speaks to me and I respond like a grump instead of with joyful obedience, it’s me that’s changed, not Him.
“Today, if you hear His voice, do not harden your hearts…”
I read that in Hebrews this week, over and over. It’s quoted from Psalm 95. The passage it’s included in (Hebrews 3:7–4:13) never made sense to me in the past (well, to be fair, very little of Hebrews has made sense to me in the past…). Previously, it always felt like it went right over my head, but this week, it finally landed and sank in. I think it sank in, because I’ve been living the opposite of what it’s stressing. The whole passage practically begs the reader not to harden their heart against the Lord. Listen, believe, obey, and you’ll find yourself in God’s special rest. I don’t know about you, but I’ve not been resting very well for quite a long time. Years, probably. Sure, I’ve had times over the last several years when I’ve had a soft and believing heart towards God, listening to Him and obeying Him…but I’ve also had so much doubt.
Now, here’s a good time for me to remember what I just wrote a few paragraphs ago—that I tend to paint everything about myself with the “bad” brush whenever I see any bad at all. I guess I’m a bit dramatic in that way. But, just for the moment, I’m going to continue in the drama…
I listened to these verses in Hebrews this week, and as I did, I felt the Lord begging me to hear Him without hardening my heart against Him. Begging me to follow Him into a place of rest and telling me how much better things could be. It grieved me to realize that I’ve so often been hardened against Him.
I’m not trying to speak for anyone else. This is just me documenting what the Lord did in me this week. And what He did through this passage in Hebrews has connections to things He’s said and the ways I’ve responded to Him over the course of the last six years (I’m tracking a long-haul here). There are HUGE categories of my life that the Lord started speaking into six years ago, and I’ve had mixed responses to the things He’s said and done. When He does a huge work in a person, it’s often quite painful and not often quick. Much of my self has been put to death over these years, and it seemed like all the parts that were left a year and a half ago banded together and mounted a final defense for a solid 12 months, until the Lord won the victory over them in February. Since February, I’ve been collecting the debris and trying to process what I experienced.
Maybe all of us have a little bit of Prosperity Gospel in our personal theology…mine tends to take the form of a belief somewhere deep inside that declares, “If I follow God faithfully, He will make it always feel worth it, no matter how hard things get.” I’m gonna let you in on a little secret: it doesn’t always feel worth it. But here’s the better part: no matter how it feels, it is worth it. God is always good, even when it feels like He’s not.
Honestly, I don’t even remember at this point why I started writing. I’m not sure I had a point beyond hoping to get some of these thoughts outside my own head. So, I don’t have any remarkable take-away or closing statement. Just this: if you don’t understand what you read when you pick up your Bible, it’s okay. It will make sense when the Spirit decides to give you understanding. Just keep reading.